#4-4-2021
Dear Brother,
I guess if this blog is going to be about the good times. It should include some bad times too.
Right now is a bad time. I’ve felt sad for the past two days, and I need to figure out why.
Right now it’s 7pm, and I’ve been out of my room only 1 hour today. Either binging netflix or coding. I recently have been finding myself motivated to connect with random internet strangers on the internet, and looking forward to any dialog.
I also don’t want to admit it, but I purposefully invoked a cbd high. I feel like this is a pretty big match to the life in california (fighting the coding brain, doubts about a relationship and abusing drugs), except I don’t have your support regularly. I just want to say thanks again for being my rock during those times, you were my rock and I’m still trying to figure out how to properly pay that forward.
I guess I’ve just been missing you a lot. Makes sense cause it’s the longest we’ve been a part ever, but still really feeling it at this very moment.
I’ve been pretty lonely. I guess I’ve been pretty lonely my whole life but it hurts now more than ever.
I’ve come to recognize I have my low days and my high day, and right now just trying to make more high days then low days. Is that enough to make me this sad? Probably. Isolation is the ultimate form of punishment in this country for a reason.
I feel like I’m slowly withering away into this un-authentic life. I currently chalk it up so sacrifice but I think deep down I question whether or not this is the right path.
A lot of my tools for what I used to be happy don’t feel available. Most of it revolving around some sort of physical activity. I’m in the worst shape I’ve been in and I want to fix that but that falls off quickly. A sport helps sustain it. I’ve been bad at dealing with this injury. I should start by getting some consultations with experts. Saleem recommended to ice it for a couple of weeks and if doesn’t get better to see someone about it. If I’m still feeling it this far out thought its probably a thing that needs to be dealt with properly.
I hope you get pr so we can go on some adventures soon, Once I’m vaccinated I’d like to maybe spend the summer in canmore just trying to get on top of as many things as possible. That can maybe be some good motivation to get this arm checked out.
Love you bro, Justin